One day my daughter heard me telling someone that they could survive middle school and high school by creating a village for their kids and her comment to me later was that I never did that for her. I laughed and celebrated my genius because I realized at that moment that her middle school and high school villages operated seamlessly. I asked her why she thought her father and I took a group of adults out to lunch to celebrate her middle school graduation. I reminded her about adult friends who took a special interest in her during middle school and high school. I could see the wheels turning in her head almost like she was quickly surveying the last three or four years and the relationships she and I shared with the folks at the lunch table and at other social events. She recalled family friends, teachers, church members, Young Life leaders, and neighbors who attended her ball games and engaged her in conversations about her life in and out of school settings.

I think it’s cool that she still maintains a relationship with one of her middle school teachers, a high school teacher, and her Young Life leader. I appreciate them enhancing her life in a way that I couldn’t because I was not in the schools daily or hanging out with her socially. I was so thankful that they made themselves available to mentor her and provide guidance on issues related to academic and personal decisions in her formative years. I am thankful now that they are still in the conversation as she approaches college graduation and grown folk decisions.

There are some folks who were extremely involved in our lives when the kids were younger, but now are not so close to us. Many of them I believed would always be villagers for my kids and forever closely tied to my family. I learned, however, that villagers often have a season and that is just fine. I learned to appreciate their time of service and to express my gratitude to them. I find myself listening to people discuss their interests, educational undertakings, hobbies, and travels trying to figure out if there is a connection that might benefit the development of one of my kids. I don’t expect everyone I meet, nor would I want everyone I meet, to have a long term connection to my kids, but many people have areas of giftedness or life experiences that can make the lives of my kids easier and more meaningful. Who wouldn’t want that for their babies?! For example, if your child thinks he/she wants to join the Peace Corps and you meet someone who either joined the Peace Corps or has a friend who did, consider connecting your child with that person. You might also meet someone who has traveled extensively to study and work with international organizations. This person might provide new insights and direction even if their areas of expertise are not exact matches. The goal is to educate your kid and provide exposure to tangible, useful information. The other beautiful thing that happens every time you connect your kid to something the kid says or shows an interest in doing or being your kid knows his/her thoughts and interests matter to you. If the kid’s thoughts
and interests matter to you, the kid knows you really hear his/her passions and care deeply. Your kid loves knowing that you think about them even when you are not with them. So, making beneficial connections for your child creates a win-win situation!

In 2008, we were in the midst of an election year. I am always interested in the women in the shadows of the men who stand in the light. I guess I have always appreciated the fact that whatever their political beliefs their lives resemble mine and they live in a more public place than I do which I am certain adds to the challenge of managing their personal lives. When I heard that Michele Obama was visiting my town to campaign for her husband who would eventually be elected president, I had to figure out how to make it to the event. I had to find friends to pick my kids up from school and activities in order to free up my schedule and allow me to feed my curiosity.

I was excited about going to hear her speak because I was rooted in student government in high school and college and I love the science of campaigns. I wanted to see what this woman who grew up with modest means in Chicago and graduated from a prestigious undergraduate institution and law school might have to say about why she and her husband should be the next president and first lady. I was impressed with her candor and her regal stature. She was articulate, well-prepared, and warm in her delivery. I thought, hmmm, she seems like a cool lady. My daughter and I have this ongoing list of women who we say could come to a slumber party at our house and just sit around in pajamas and eat cereal with us while we laugh and watch movies. I thought she could come to our slumber party. Part of me still thought, “She’s campaigning. She has to be that nice and cool.”

Well, when the speech was over, people gathered at the red velvet rope that formed a semi-circle around the podium area for a chance to shake her hand. I joined the crowd at the rope for a chance to get a high five or a hand shake or just a head nod and a smile. I was located close to the exit so
I figured she would be hurried out by secret service agents and I would just tell the story of the time I got close to saying hello to a first lady if her husband won the election. When she reached me, I extended my arms to hug her and she hugged me. I told her that I was proud of her and her husband and that I went to law school with hopes of being in politics. She asked, “What happened?” I was shocked that she responded with a question, but I remained cool. I told her that I married a football coach and that everything changed. She asked, “Do you have children?” I answered yes and that I made a decision to stay home with my kids. She said, “Don’t give up on your dream. It will come back to you.” Oh my gosh! I couldn’t believe it! She “saw” me! Yeah, she saw me physically, but she “saw” me at a deeper level. She saw my struggle with a dream denied and a decision to follow and a support my husband to live out the calling on his life that ultimately became my calling. I got back to my car and I cried. Life in the shadows can make you feel invisible and alone. I was overwhelmed that I woman who could have just walked by me with a smile and a nod or given me an “Oh that’s nice” took the time to speak to my soul and encourage me.

I thought, “Isn’t that what we all want in life?” Don’t we just want someone to “see” us, to get us, and to affirm us? Michelle Obama has greeted thousands of people since 2008 and she probably won’t remember me or the sixty-second exchange we shared, but I will. I will not forget that she heard my needy spirit and she listened with the heart of a woman who understood sacrifice and the need to encourage another woman to hold on.

So, the answer to the question my kids asked was that the event was really good and life-altering. I told them my initial impressions of Michelle Obama and about what happened after the speech. As I recall, they thought it was cool that I got that close to her, but the rest of my comments probably went in one ear and out of the other one. Ha! The takeaway for my kids was that no matter how successful you think you are or how high up the proverbial ladder you climb, don’t miss an opportunity to uplift someone in your space because you don’t know how an encouraging word or gesture will positively influence the life of the person on the receiving end. I really believe that the one minute exchange with Mrs. Obama gave me a surge in my energy level and a desire to adjust my goals to fit the situation in which I found myself. Two questions and a comment from one of the busiest women in the world gave me hope to keep working out my dream.

I have a gift of encouragement and I work to encourage people in my space as often as I can. Whether the targets of my efforts believe or not, my goal is always to uplift people in my space, but especially the young people I encounter. The goal is to give them a space that is without judgment, yet abounding in transparent real talk that speaks truth to their souls and respects their intellect. My goal is to help young people and folks who live in the shadows understand that sometimes life doesn’t look like we thought it would which doesn’t make us feel great, but holding on to a goal and massaging it to fit our current situations while press forward is important. I believe that children need grown folks to “see” them and “hear” the cries of their souls for structure, hope, and affirmation. Thank you Michelle Obama for not letting your platform interfere with your ability to “see,” “hear,” and encourage this SisterInTheShadow!

Over the years, I have enjoyed watching television with my kids. Some might argue that television is mindless activity that should not be the basis for parental bonding with children. I beg to differ. It was entertainment and education simultaneously. We developed reading, writing, and arithmetic skills as well as some social skills. We laughed at cartoons, danced with characters on shows, and attempted to duplicate crafts and projects we saw on tv. So, there were some healthy, meaningful results from our television time. We used our fine and gross motor skills. We got our heart rates elevated and stimulated our brains with our creative brilliance. Most importantly, we built a bond and opportunities to talk about things that mattered to me and them in a relaxed forum. Each kid had certain shows on a favorites list and as often as our schedules permitted we would stop everything to spend that time together in front of the tube.

Well, now the kids are older and the shows have changed. While I can’t say that we define entertainment or education in the same way that we did when they were younger, I can say that in more recent years I am the one learning about the new social norms and trends. Sometimes I make a cameo appearance in the room for a show just so I can stay in touch with the ridiculousness that is my kids reality. Between “The Housewives of Atlanta” and Nick Cannon’s “Wild and Out,” I receive an education. Unfortunately, I sometimes need them to explain language and vocabulary so that I can figure out the jokes and comments. I appreciate them keeping me current and in tune with who and what is relevant. Although we don’t always enjoy the same shows, we have managed to find a few shows that we can watch together and each kid has separately joined me in special addictions to different shows.

As Big Brother neared its finale, the three of us turned our attention to football and the new season of The Voice. Football is on around here Sunday, Monday night, Thursday night, Friday nights after we get home from the high school game, and all day Saturday. I love the game, but sometimes I feel some kind of way about the ability of my boy to watch football year round on the cable channels dedicated to the college football conferences and the professional sports franchises. And if you that’s not enough football, we now have the emergence of high school football programming. For at least a month we have been reminding each other about premier week and all of the shows that are returning to television this fall. I had to take a nap last Monday as we prepared for premier night. We had the Monday Night Football game, “The Voice,” “The Black List,” “Scorpian,” and “Big Bang Theory.” Thanks goodness for the DVR. A couple of months ago I put alerts on my phone to remind me of the start of “The Black List” and “Scandal.”

“The Black List” time slot is my weekly date with my son (and my husband if he gets off work early enough) and the drama of “Scandal” was an addiction for my daughter and me until the guys in the house watched one night to figure out why Shonda Rhimes and Kerry Washington had us hooked. Not sure if they want to admit it, but they too are hooked. When my girl is away in college, she is in the eastern time zone and gets to see all of the shows we love before we do and I hate her for that. Haha! Every Thursday I can count on her to call or text me to say don’t forget “Scandal” tonight because it was soooo good. I joked with the kids today that I would need a nap almost every day last week so that I can stay awake for this television line ups. Again, saved by DVR!

I can’t say that television addictions are healthy for all families, but we have enjoyed our time together watching kid programming, movies, reality tv, and now more adult dramas. Sometimes I use these shows to show them things I never want to hear them say or do. I also use the DVR to record programs geared toward current events and history or that present stories that encourage or inspire. I guess my parent commandment is “In all things, find balance.”